


I Know You're Broken

by LockedHerselfOut



Category: Placebo (UK Band)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Gay Sex, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, molsdal
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-08
Updated: 2020-05-08
Packaged: 2021-03-03 04:40:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,920
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24068992
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LockedHerselfOut/pseuds/LockedHerselfOut
Summary: Stefan waited for Brian for ages, but when he finally moves on, Brian realizes Stefan was what he had always wanted.
Relationships: Brian Molko/Stefan Olsdal
Comments: 3
Kudos: 10





	I Know You're Broken

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own the band. Don't sue.
> 
> Found this on a USB, written December 2011 as a December fic challenge for the Official Placebo forum.  
> I miss that place.

**Christmas Eve 1998**

Brian tugged at the tear in the middle of his nylon tights while he took a big swig of his drink- looking down from his flat at the lit up streets- decorated to spread the Christmas spirit that the singer really wasn’t feeling at the moment- a light snowfall completing the pretty picture.

Brian wouldn’t try to bend the truth.

The fact was that he absolutely hated Christmas with a passion. The hustle and bustle, the need to buy someone the most expensive present they can get their hands on, then decorate a fucking pine tree and hang stockings to let a fictional fat man fill them. 

Oh joy. 

Normally Brian could get through it.

His family never invited him home for the holidays anymore but he always enjoyed during the last few Christmases. Cuddling up with Stefan on their shitty little mattress. Getting cozy under a blanket. Drinking some hot cocoa, with a little vodka of course, and watching the snow fall outside their window. 

Hell if he had the chance, he’d even play a gig right on fucking Christmas day to forget it was Christmas if it wasn’t completely unfair to his backup band. He knew Bill had family... and the crew, that wasn’t fair. Besides- who would watch his pansy ass strut around in a dress and sing when they could be at home opening gifts? No one.

But this year was going to suck the big one, regardless. 

This year he was going to have to share the Swede and the anger… the jealousy that rose within him burned as much as the whiskey that he willingly poured down his own throat.

This year… the bassist was bringing his new boyfriend to spend Christmas day with them because he had no family in London and not enough money to fly home for the holidays. So what does the generous Swede do?!

“I should have said no,” mumbled Brian to himself, taking another swig of his drink and pushing some of his curly locks behind his ear. Stefan had politely asked Brian if he could invite him. Brian could have said no, told him no way, but he had accepted. Like a fucking idiot! This was his fault!

But let’s face it. Brian Molko had never truly ever told Stef he loved him, admitted any real ‘deep’ feelings for him besides a slurred ‘I love you’ after a lovely orgasm… and definitely not when he was sober. And when he did say it sober, it was never in the romantic-sort-of-way. Truth was Brian didn’t want to ‘date’ Stefan, to be in mushy, holding-hands, romantic relationship with him. He was too fucking unstable for that. BUT if the singer got right down to what he wanted, he just wanted Stefan to be there for him and only him. To be his ‘friend with benefits’. 

Yeah. That was it. Hit the nail on the head. He didn’t want Stef… but he didn’t want anyone else to have Stef either. That sounds about right.

Fuck. Brian- you selfish prick. The short man cursed himself as he turned back to look at the tree him and his bassist had put up in their shared flat a few weeks ago. It was tacky as shit. Too many different colored bulbs, too many lights on the top, too much lopsided garland, and the star was a bit crooked- but it was still beautiful. In its own way. The tree was wrong in all the right ways and it suited them rather well.

His thoughts, however, were interrupted as the Swede walked in through the door, bringing in a little draft with him. He pulled his scarf off and hung it on their little coat hanger by the door after putting down his grocery bag.

“Hey,” he said sweetly- giving Brian a second look and eyeing him up and down a little, admiring his legs in the mini dress. “You look nice,” he said softly. The singer looked down, almost forgetting why he had put it on. Oh yes… he had originally slipped this little number on to make Stef’s new boy toy insecure. Nothing wrong with looking a little too sexy. 

In their now larger flat, where they no longer had to share a room… there was ‘space’ for them... Stef and his bew boy toy to play ‘whoopie’ and Brian was *not* going to have any of that. This night didn’t have to get THAT much worse, though he was a little shocked and relieved when he had seen no one follow him in. 

“Just trying on some outfits for tomorrow,” he lied as casually as possible before taking the umpteenth swig of his drink and finishing it off. “So where’s our guest?” Oh gee I hope that didn’t sound as bitter as I meant it.  
  
“Oh, Riley will be coming over late tonight after work,” Stef said happily. “He got stuck with the closing shift tonight at the restaurant. He won’t be here till a little after midnight or so.” 

Brian gave a little chuckle, rolling his eyes before looking back out his window at all the people walking on the streets, enjoying the snowfall that London didn’t always get on Christmas Eve of all days.  
  
What could Stef see in a guy who works behind a deep fryer?! Sure he was tall, a little cute, dark, and of course Spanish… and charming, at least he was when he had met him once. But seriously! Where was the catch!?

Brian’s pretty greenish-blue eyes were turning a strong shade of pure green from all the pent up jealousy. 

“Poor boy,” he stated flatly before walking over to his bottle of Jack Daniels on the counter. It was only 7:30 in the evening- but Brian felt that was all the more of an excuse to get smashed.

“Little early to get drunk off your face isn’t it?” asked Stef- sounding rather unimpressed as Brian figured he would be but didn’t really care. The Swede had hoped for a nice evening and it looked like it wasn’t exactly going to go as planned as he watched the shorter man pour himself another shot.

Brian just shook his head. 

Stef sighed, rolling his eyes as he quietly pulled out a red teddy bear with a ribbon wrapped around it’s middle. It was holding a little stuffed guitar and the bassist had thought it was so adorable; he just had to buy it for him. While the little git preoccupied himself with pouring another beverage for himself- Stef placed the teddy in the tree, on the side, hidden away behind a branch- knowing the singer would be too intoxicated to notice it till tomorrow morning anyway.

“So- just curious,” Brian started, putting down the bottle, trying not to sound like a complete bitch and failing, “If Riley knew he was going to spend Christmas Eve with us, why didn’t he take the day off? Seems rather rude.”  
  
Stef frowned at the snippy remark that was only being made worse by the alcohol. He was already starting and his boyfriend wasn’t even here yet.

  
“He tried- too many people had already booked it.”

“Yeah, sure. So have you guys fucked yet?” Brian chuckled, rolling his eyes while walking over to the window to stare down at the happy little couples holding hands, doing their last minute shopping. Ugh. He hated Christmas so much.  
  
“Bri,” Stef started sadly. “You said you’d be nice. What do you have against him? You only met him onc-.” The singer cut him off, turning to look at him and waving his drink at him. 

“I’ll be NICE, okay? Fuck it,” snapped Brian, tugging his dress down just a little. He wasn’t going to argue, what would be the fucking POINT? He couldn’t feel any worse than he already did at this moment. IT would only be worse if Stefan became upset with him. He was getting tipsy and feeling more lousy by the second.

The Swede put his hand through his hair, letting out a deep sigh in frustration. Things between them had been a little uneasy lately since him and Riley had began dating, he assumed it was because Brian was just a little perturbed about the guy, but it wasn’t fair of him to make judgments without really knowing him, was it? He thought Christmas would have been a great opportunity for everyone to get to know each other but it’s like Brian wouldn’t even give him a bloody chance. 

“Just,” Brian started, barely getting the word out as he took another sip. “Just have a drink with me, Stef. Just us. Before HE gets here. Please?” The Swede looked over at him, giving a little smile before taking a seat on their couch in the rather small living room next to him. Alcohol… well MORE alcohol was the last thing this boy needed, but if it would calm him down, it couldn’t be so bad. “Please?” ‘Just Brian’ time was always good time. Well, usually.  
  
The Swede nodded as a genuine smile lit up Brian’s pretty face for the first time that evening, his cheeks flushed beyond what any blush could do for him as he almost tripped over his own feet going over to the counter to grab the bottle.  
  
“Cheers, baby,” he giggled, passing Stef the whole Jack Daniels before practically jumping on the couch next to his best friend and bandmate. Stef stared at the bottle, eyes widened as he looked over at Brian.  
  
“I agreed to a drink, not a BOTTLE,” exclaimed Stef, looking at him like he was nuts. Brian grinned devilishly. 

“Oh come on, have a little fun, we’ll share!” he said, his entire tone changing as he turned his whole body to face Stef, pulling his legs up underneath him- waiting for Stef to take a swig. The Swede really didn’t feel like waking up Christmas morning with a damn hangover… but the fact Brian was actually smiling at him for the first time in a few days, he didn’t want to ruin the mood. Once again pressuring Stef into something he wasn’t all too comfortable to do. Sometimes it was a good thing, others… not so much- but he took a decent swig of the bottle. 

Flash forward two whiskey-filled hours later and they were giggling, laughing, and going down memory lane- retelling … interesting stories of their tour with David Bowie, their first gigs, their little parties they could barely recall and what the last three years and where it had gotten them. It was the first time that night Brian had been enjoying himself, the first time that whole miserable December to be exact. After their laughter died down, Brian’s head leaning on Stef’s shoulder, the bassist deciding it was a good moment to bring up what was on his mind.  
  
“Bri… please give Riley a chance. I think you’d like him.” Stef almost sounded like a teen begging for his mum’s approval and it almost made himself chuckle. Brian rolled his eyes, wishing he hadn’t even brought up the damn guy’s name. The alcohol had almost made him forget entirely… Fuck that Spanish boy. He had nothing on Brian fucking Molko, and Stef would see that one way or another, even if Brian had to prove it. “Bri?” Stef said flatly, knowing the singer was ignoring the question, the Swede turning his head to look at the smaller man right as he leaned in to kiss him. 

The liplock was intense, Stef able to taste the alcohol on his tongue. His lips were hot, massaging his own with a messy passion, he couldn’t quite pull away until they came up for air. The fact that the bassist hadn’t seemed to resist was success in an intoxicated Brian Molko’s mind and even though Stef had been drinking as well, he was sober enough to know this was wrong. So when Brian leaned in for another- he put his hand up to his chest gently.

“Bri… no, we can’t,” he said rather quietly- the words hitting Brian in the face like a bag of bricks. Rejected!? Stef just rejected him?! His brow furrowed, the anger boiling.  
  
“Because of RILEY?” he hissed, glaring. Stef sighed, looking away.  
  
“That’s not fai-,” a drunken Brian was unsympathetic to Stef’s excuses and Riley sure as hell wasn’t a good one. Not taking no for an answer, Brian leaned in again, pulling Stef closer to him to kiss him, pushing his lips to his again. 

The relationship between the Swede and his new boyfriend was still blooming, early stages, but it was serious enough that he respected him and the bassist didn’t want to do something as dishonest as cheating so early on either! It just felt wrong! But as much as he wanted to deny himself Brian, the beautiful boy in a tight mini dress, gorgeous little legs, eyes dazzled in black makeup, curls tousled and sweaty, the damn boy was born to mesmer and… he made it fucking hard. Brian’s fingers gripped tightly on Stef’s t-shirt, not letting the taller man get away as their mouths explored each others, the Swede cursing at himself as he ended up moaning into the kiss. 

Jealousy and alcohol were the only things running through Brian Molko’s veins right now and his undying love for a man that he couldn’t admit it to. He wanted him at that moment, to prove to himself and Stefan that they were each other’s, that no one could fucking come between them even if they tried. No one could break their wall. No fucking Spanish boy.

When their lips parted once again for air, both of them panting, Brian pulled up his mini dress so it was around his waist, revealing the rather transparent black nylon stockings and black panties, moving his mouth so it was right by Stef’s ear.  
  
“Fuck me,” he breathed, practically a plea. Stef’s eyes widened as he looked at Brian through his drunken glaze, wishing he wouldn’t put him in the grips of temptation so easily. This wasn’t fucking fair. 

  
The Swede gathered as much confidence and sobriety as he could as he shook his head, to deny something he wanted at that moment very badly.  
  
“Bri… I.” He wasn’t sure if he was denying the other man for Riley or because of some emotions he had locked up further down he wasn’t willing to face just yet. 

“Do it,” begged Brian, a whimper as he climbed onto Stef’s lap, the taller man not even trying to push him off. “Slide inside me,” he continued, panting as he licking at the bassist’s neck. “FUCK ME.” His words were harsh, almost cold as Stef looked unto Brian’s big eyes, a glossy emerald green color as he bit his lip. 

They hadn’t done this in ages. He had almost thought Brian had wanted them to move … past this. Weren’t they growing up? Both of them in their late 20’s… weren’t it time to grow up and move away from such games? 

Brian tugged at his tights, his nails ripping little holes near the waist band as he pulled them down. When Stef made no attempt to undress him or … continue any of it really, instead looking sad and staring past him, Brian’s fury enraged- smacking Stef across the face. He wanted his attention.

The Swede was so torn in the moment, Riley forgotten, but at what their relationship had begun to turn to. It took him so many years to go out and finally let himself date… he had waited for Brian to make that move for so long, he simply got tired of waiting. That step above fuck buddies, that step further up that told him that Brian wanted him and only him, not his dick.

  
But here they were again, right back down to being ‘friends with benefits’ and right now, Stefan didn’t even feel like Brian was his friend. He felt used, he felt betrayed, especially knowing full well that he was at least… trying to create a relationship with someone else when he was so sure Brian didn’t want him. Why was Brian messing with him like this? Didn’t he love him enough to want him to be happy?

Brian’s selfishness only increased. So annoyed, so upset, so angry… why didn’t Stef want to fuck him? Was this Riley that much better than him at that too?! Didn’t his best friend want him anymore?  
  
The thing Stefan Olsdal and Brian Molko were able to do so well was communicate, to share the things that were unspoken and right now neither of them could say how they felt, say what they wanted, and say what they needed from each other. Somewhere along the line, the ties of communication, their way of reading each other had been cut and they desperately needed it back. 

So here they were, Brian on Stef’s lap, practically demanding sex as the Swede hoped that his best friend was still under the drunken gorgeous heap that was sitting on top of him.

“FUCK ME, STEF!” cried the singer, tears beginning to fall, staring at him- panting as his hair fell forward, sticking to his wet cheeks just a bit. The Swede swallowed, not making a move as he continued to stare at him, not having any idea what to say- almost wanting to let his tears fall too. 

  
Taking control, Brian grunted and moved his hands to Stef’s zipper, undoing the button of his pants, tearing the top of his jeans open and roughly fishing for the taller man’s hard cock that was definitely nowhere near as ‘flaccid’ as Stef wished it was because he knew… he knew sex wasn’t going to ‘fix’ or solve a fucking thing. Fucking would do nothing but fuck things up even more.

“See!?” slurred Brian, giving a grin in amusement. “I know you fucking want it!” he mocked, tears falling down his face still from the mix of resentment and jealousy. Stefan Olsdal was the last person that could reject him… he just couldn’t do that to him. He could care less if thousands of fans cheered his name. If Stef rejected him, none of it fucking mattered. 

Stef said nothing as Brian ripped his tights further down, grabbing his pants and tugging them to the side to reveal his tight puckered hole as he shuffled his body forward in one jerky motion so their chests were touching each others before forcing himself down on the Swede’s erection in one movement. 

“Uuuuhhh,” moaned the singer- the hot burning pain hitting him in jolts from being entered dry. And despite the hot tight feeling around Stef’s cock, it was so unsatisfying because of the situation. It finally made him let his tears fall. Crying was usually the last thing he ever wanted to do when he was deep inside of Brian. But everything in this moment, all of it, was so wrong. This wasn’t how he wanted him; this wasn’t how 

Brian deserved to be taken. It was all just fucking wrong. He bit his lip hard, drawing a little blood as he watched Brian who kept his eyes closed. The singer began to move his body up and down, riding Stef. But it only took a few thrusts before the Swede had had enough- grabbing Brian’s waist and stopping him, pulling himself out of the lovely tight orifice. 

He couldn’t fuck him like this; he couldn’t take him like this. Not like this.

But Brian… all he saw was a giant slap in the face.  
Rejected. 

Stef had stopped their sex before it had really even began. 

“Am I not good enough anymore?! You piece of shit! STEFAN!” The Swede got up from the couch, wiping at his eyes as he did up his pants as fast as he could. “Am I not good enough for you anymore?!?” cried Brian, tears falling just as fast as Stef’s were, the mascara causing black droplets to roll down his cheeks. Brian grunted angrily, smacking the couch cushion as he got up. He pulled at the rest of his tights, pulling them right off, grabbing the hem of his panties and kicking them off as well- practically stripping in the middle of the living room, almost naked. Nothing left but his little mini dress bunched around his waist still. “FUCK ME, STEFAN!!! DO IT!!” 

The Swede looked back at him for a moment, looking at a guy he felt like he didn’t even fucking know. Brian was scaring him.

“FUCK ME!”

Brian’s screams echoed in the room, the singer looking like nothing but a child having a tantrum, taking the whiskey bottle with barely a shot’s worth of alcohol left in it and throwing it to the floor. The moment it shattered on the hard wood, Stef grabbed his jacket. He didn’t zip it up or even tie his shoes as he pulled them on. He didn’t have time. He couldn’t be in the same room as Brian any longer. Not right now. Or he’d say some things he would regret forever. Instead, like a coward, he ran away from the problem as fast as his long legs could take him, bolting out of their flat without another word. 

“STEFAN!!!” Stef could hear Brian scream his name from all the way in the stairwell, tears still falling as he picked up his pace.

Brian, half naked, alone, upset, angry, jealous, and rejected, screamed in rage as he put his hands in his hair, pulling at his black curls- his intoxication only intensifying his feelings that much more. 

“FUCK YOU! I don’t fucking NEED YOU!” he cried as he tried to catch his breath, instead turning to stare at their tacky Christmas tree before pushing it right over- breaking most of the bulbs on it instantly as it fell too the floor with as loud of a ‘thud’ as the whiskey bottle did. Most of the bulbs Stef and him had decorated the first Christmas they had spent together in 1994 were destroyed. Another memory scarred.

He instantly regretted it and got to his knees to start to pick up the pieces in a pathetic heap before noticing the red teddy that had fell to the floor not too far from it. Dropping the gold glass chunks he had in his hand… he crawled on his knees, the broken bulbs cutting into his knee a little before grabbing the stuffed animal by the leg to look at it. The little stuffed guitar it that was sewn to it reminded him of Bitch, though it was blue. He stared at it for a moment till he saw the little card tied to the end of the paw.  
  
Through his drunken haze, he opened it and read the few little words.  
‘I still love you after all, y’know… Xoxo Stef.’

Brian glared at it, the words mocking him right off the little piece of cardboard- ripping the little tag right off. He pulled as hard as he could at one of the arms on the poor bear until the seam finally came loose and fluffy white stuffing popped out. Satisfied, he threw the bear towards the door of the flat he was sure the Swede would never walk back through. 

  
Well, Brian was wrong.  
He wouldn’t have to share Stefan with anyone this Christmas. He was simply going to spend it the way he deserved to. Alone.

End. 


End file.
